monster

7/07/2009

it makes me feel numb.
sure, it sometimes takes care of the lows, but most of my highs are gone with it too...
i remember a time when this wasn't me.
i was rarely ever truly pissed.

sometimes, when it's clutches dig deep into my skin i lose control. i feel desperate and hopeless, but in reality i am not desperate and hopeless... that's not who i am. i know who i live for and in what my hope is set. but that ugliness clouds that reality.

in the beginning, it took care of the problem pretty well, but it was just a quick fix, and we all know that quick fixes are lies. a quick fix was the bait. i would have done anything in those days to get rid of a different ugly monster, so i accepted and i was hooked. everyone said it was ok, but i think they were all frightened by my emotions. of course i didn't know that this too would morph into something ugly and controlling.

two and a half years later, i wonder how i let it get this far. sometimes i start to think that this changed person is who i am now. but then i remember life before it all, and i know that it can still be me.

i have decided to tackle this monster full on.

it's gonna suck, but i will not let it take another year of my life, of who i am. my body is the temple of the Almighty, and i will not let it be controlled by the pharmaceutical companies. this is a battle, and my Saviour has promised triumph.

this is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on it's way, i am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on His promise i'll stand.