Looking unto Jesus

6/02/2008

I have a heavy heart right now. Days like these, make me feel vulnerable;
I hate when others feels pain, it makes me want to reach out and just wipe it all away. I used to lay in bed and beg God to just wipe my memory clean over night and when I woke up, I would remember nothing, I would not know the pain I was living through. I know this may sound dumb, but I truly want to cure the world's pain. I can't bear to see someone hurting. Possibly it's because I still bear wounds from my past that haunt me, and I think that I make myself believe that by helping others "cure" their pain, my scars will be erased too.

My friend, my sister is hurting tonight, and I wish I could be there to hug her and share her pain, go before our Counselor and plead for peace together, maybe even pray that this is all terrible dream, that maybe tomorrow her daddy will drive up and crack another silly joke.

Yet in each new painful situation, I force myself to surface from the desire to be idealistic, and simply face it. I cry, I worry, I plead for safety, I cry more and more, I get angry, I yell into my pillow, I repent, I cry again, and just when I think I'm about to flood my pillow with all my salty tears, He unexpectedly brings peace, a peace that surpasses my understanding. In that moment, when I finally decide to surface from questioning Him and where He is at in all this, I find myself engulfed by His presence knowing He was there all along.

This evening, after we found out about the death of Jorge, we had to go on with our scheduled service in which Aby's friend, which is here from Argentina and worked alongside Jorge, was going to give the message. It was very difficult to talk because Jorge was a dear friend of his, but he simply told us to open up to Hebrews 12:2-3 which says,
"Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him that such contradiction of sinners against Himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds."


This verse reminded me that no matter the circumstances, I must keep my focus on what He has called me to. I think the devil has found the area to be an obstacle in, distract me. Ariel talked tonight with tears in his eyes about finishing what He has called to us to do. I covet your prayers, I beg for them; pray that the devil won't get that stronghold in me. I have a calling, a vision, a burning passion that He has placed in me that I cannot let go of.