My moments of selfish brattiness

5/26/2008

I hate to admit this, but I am questioning. I am mad. Things aren't working out the way I planned them. My Christian "brain" that I've carried around since I was born ( the one that always is ready to pipe in the Christian way to do things) is telling me, screaming at me, "This is God's plan!", but you know what I truly feel that is... blah blah blah! I know not very Christian-like huh? I tend to be like that quite often lately.
I am spiritually lacking, I know I am, but I don't really feel propelled to change. Instead I think I think I'll just sit here and whine for a bit.
I'm not getting what I want ( kinda like a little spoiled brat), not from my parents, not from those around me, heck, not from God. I very well know that the right thing to do is to accept these circumstances that are, well pissing me off, and trust Him, because He is the all-knowing God. But I can't do that yet.
OK, its time for the whining to stop.
I re-read everything I've written, and i disgust myself. Selfish and lazy is what I am, and I think I might know the root of this all, but I am too prideful to change it.
What is wrong with me?!!!
I honestly get sick of being the good, faithful Christian. I have to allow myself these moments of doubt, I have to write it down so I can see what a brat I am, to see what I can change.
God, I know You are faithful to us, I know You have it under control, but help me to not just know, but believe. You know I'm scared that things aren't gonna work out. I am deathly afraid of it all going down the drain again. I am deathly afraid of not knowing... not having what everyone else has. I'm sorry. Just help me remember that Your grace is enough for me. Not what I have.
All that I can Say - David Crowder Band
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now, i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.