bare your soul

mechanicalfreakinglayouts

2010-01-27T00:23:00.002-05:00

hermeneutics makes me feel really stupid.
i guess i aimed too high when i aimed for a B in the class.

nostalgia

2010-01-02T00:01:00.005-05:00

i really miss my home.
i haven't called it home in a really long time.

when i was in texcoco, i saw how many memories my parents had of that place. i have hardly any.

i started thinking about my home & memories of faces and summers and church vans started flooding my brain.

i haven't said i miss my old life in a really long time, but,

i miss my old life.

granted, most of my "friends" used me 73% of the time, but they were still people i loved with all my heart.

i miss the way i used to think, i can barely remember it... but i think i miss it. it's hard to remember what my personality used to be like. i think i was really shy for most of my life.

i miss the songs & the dirt.

it's really weird to process memories that i've tried to blot out for so long.

2009-12-22T21:57:00.002-05:00

this feels like an even bigger mountain to conquer than the last.

but man, im ready for to be on the other side.

i don't mean to be redundant with this song, but it has been a continuous prayer in my life for the past six months.

this is my prayer in the battle
when triumph is still on it's way;
i am a conqueror and co heir with Christ
so firm on His promise i'll stand.

praise Him for the victory He has already given me in this area of my life.

[currently]

2009-12-16T14:11:00.003-05:00

wishing i could be in some foggy mountains. [as usual]
watching project runway, season 2 i think [the one with jeffrey, uli, & michael]
watching sofi, she's fussy. & i hope she takes a nap.
craving dove dark chocolate : )
not wanting to go watch more kids tonight.
wanting to read the tolstoy novel that's waiting for me
a nap would be perfect right now... preferable by a fire, in a cabin, in north carolina mts.

home.

2009-12-15T22:45:00.003-05:00

so, the semester is finally over. actually it was over like a week ago... but i just now remembered that i had a blog.
it feels so odd to be able to sleep peacefully without a paper to weigh me down.

i'll do a class recap i guess [ because i have time & energy! ]

drawing 2:
i'll begin with this one, because it sucked.
it was not what i expected at allllllllll. i think i knew that it was gonna be sorta tough, & it wasn't tough that i couldn't deal with... it was ms. lee.
ohhhhh dear that lady. i'm pretty sure she disliked me. & i'm pretty sure i disliked her [ on some days ].
instead of it being a relaxing mechanism, this class turned into a psychotic amount of stress.

biology:
so, the first half, we had dr. sellers as our teacher.
he is super nice guy, but let's face it, he is no teacher... he is a chiropractor.
the second half of the class was much better, partially because the teacher [ dr. v ] didn't spend 45 minutes trying to figure out the projector. also, dr. v was an excellent teacher, & even though it was an 8 o'clock class, i actually learned stuff!
AND.... i got an A on the final & a B in the class : )

american lit. 2:
another disappointing class.
the content was pretty good, but it was the time slot that KILLED that class for me. 1:40, right after lunch [ aka, my nap time ]
seriously, i would sit in that class & pray that i wouldn't fall asleep.
also, dr. bruce kinda stressed me out [ this is weird because he is one of my favorite teachers ]. Again, it was probably the time that made me grumpy & bitter towards him.

PTRW:
the very first class, dr. rankin walks in & says, " Welcome to ptrw, the worst semester of your life. "
holy crap was the man right!!
don't get me wrong, dr. rankin is an excellent teacher & i really did learn a lot in this class, but DANG it was tough.
the class consisted of two main papers [ each with three submissions ], 3 grammar proficiency exams [ maybe the worst part of the class? ], & two "normal" tests.

the papers were tough because it was a lot of writing and even more research and even more proofreading [ & re-proofreading ]. also, dr rankin is a super tough grader....

the grammar tests were basically death. never have i experienced such horrible grammar.

but, i ended up with a C, just what i needed to pass!!

lastly, intro to missions:
my favorite class, maybe so far in college.
dr. roe is awesome, & it was great to hear a different perspective on Christianity than EVERYONE else at NGU.

next semester... hermeneutics, principle & practice of missions, pe, jazz appreciation.

ANYWAYS.... reading list for the holidays:
Praying God's Word by Beth Moore-
Moore addresses 14 areas that she considers to be spiritual stongholds [ the definition of spiritual stongholds that she gives rocked my world ] & claims that our two most powerful weapons against strongholds are prayer & scripture. these two are even more powerful when put together. hence, praying God's word. she gives scripture for each stronghold addressed.

Tortured For Christ by Richard Wurmbrand
so, i barely started this one, so i don't know much about it. but i expect great things.

2009-11-01T16:44:00.002-05:00

it's very easy to give lip-service to the grace of God.
but once you need it your life, it's very difficult to accept it.

once you accept it, grace humbles you

sabiduria

2009-08-02T23:52:00.002-04:00

idealistic convictions are useless without wisdom.
what good do i accomplish if i act impulsively and mess something up? or if i let my life waste away without ever fulfilling any of my dreams?

Prov. 3:13
"Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gain understanding, for she [ wisdom, personified ] is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold."

monster

2009-07-07T14:48:00.001-04:00

it makes me feel numb.
sure, it sometimes takes care of the lows, but most of my highs are gone with it too...
i remember a time when this wasn't me.
i was rarely ever truly pissed.

sometimes, when it's clutches dig deep into my skin i lose control. i feel desperate and hopeless, but in reality i am not desperate and hopeless... that's not who i am. i know who i live for and in what my hope is set. but that ugliness clouds that reality.

in the beginning, it took care of the problem pretty well, but it was just a quick fix, and we all know that quick fixes are lies. a quick fix was the bait. i would have done anything in those days to get rid of a different ugly monster, so i accepted and i was hooked. everyone said it was ok, but i think they were all frightened by my emotions. of course i didn't know that this too would morph into something ugly and controlling.

two and a half years later, i wonder how i let it get this far. sometimes i start to think that this changed person is who i am now. but then i remember life before it all, and i know that it can still be me.

i have decided to tackle this monster full on.

it's gonna suck, but i will not let it take another year of my life, of who i am. my body is the temple of the Almighty, and i will not let it be controlled by the pharmaceutical companies. this is a battle, and my Saviour has promised triumph.

this is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on it's way, i am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on His promise i'll stand.

2009-07-01T01:58:00.003-04:00

all of my life, in every season
You are still God

I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.

I am so good at messing up, and I hate the stupid consequences.
will I ever learn from my irresponsible mistakes?

2009-06-29T03:09:00.002-04:00

i need Him to speak.
all i hear around me is monotone droning on of i don't know what.
He is testing me maybe.
can i bear only my own thoughts and character for a while?
or do i need to have a constant whirlwind of activity to help me forget?

time for Romans.

slowwww me down.

2009-06-27T01:51:00.002-04:00

i think i should try and not take this time for granted.
maybe i'm supposed to be doing nothing for a reason.

i keep on saying that i can't wait until these three months are over, but in reality, once i get back to school i'll be longing for my bed, better food, and definitely no school work.

i guess i always want what i don't have.
for some reason, in south carolina i always want to drink coke, when all there is to drink is pepsi, but here in georgia all i wanna drink is pepsi, and well this is where you get shot if you order a pepsi product at place that isn't bojangles.

i spend too much time longing for what i don't have that when it finally arrives i realize i just wasted perfectly good chunks of my life wishing i had something i would eventually have.

right now, i really want it to be july 16th, as i'll be heading off to raleigh for my best buds wedding and hopefully greenville too.
but what am i missing out here while i spend so much time wishing?

well...
i think i miss out on enjoying my sleep. im not gonna get a lot next semester...
i miss out on loads of free time in which i can fall deeper in love with my Saviour...
i miss out on being able to listen to music i haven't had a chance to...
i miss out on catching up on some awesome reading...
i miss out on enjoying the hot summer days...
i miss out on pictures...
i miss out on being inspired and creating something...
i miss out on spending time with my parents...

i need to slow my thoughts down and enjoy the time He is giving me.

homesick for eden

2009-06-26T00:20:00.003-04:00

a garden so green where water ran clean
and the animals roamed without names

love was a girl who walked through the world
where passion was pure as a flame

in the back of our minds is a time before time
and a sad irreversible fact
we can't seem to think why we left there
and we can't seem to find our way back

all of us are homesick for eden
we yearn to return to a land we've never known

deep is the need to go back to the garden
a burning so strong for a place we belong
a place that we knew is home

have you ever cried for no reason why
like a child that's been left on its own

you can't quite explain the confusion of pain
so you live with the heartache alone

in the back of your mind is a place and a time
and an image of what should have been

and you know that you'll never be happy
until you find your way back there again

all of us are homesick for eden
we yearn to return to a land we've never known

deep is the need to go back to the garden
a burning so strong for a place we belong
a place that we know is home

we were made to live in his perfect love
we were meant to walk in his grace
and we'll never feel we are home again
until we see him face to face

deep is our need to go back to the garden
a burning so strong for a place we belong
to rest at his feet in fellowship so sweet
a place we know is home

i didn't write that, but it speaks loads of what my heart is longing for right now. i know that life is a beautiful journey, but " Oh Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight..."

i am falling for God

current brain spew

2009-06-23T19:15:00.003-04:00

this summer has been tough.
probably because i am not on a mission trip, im not in a different country, im not doing anything spectacular... i´m just at home.

i knew from the get go that it was going to be a difficult three months, but everything doesn´t set in until you´re in the midst of everything. so here i am, in the midst of everything, feeling like i´m doing nothing but i´m actaully overwhelmed by everything.

i start to think about the sacrifices i need to make... and deep down i know that should make those sacrifices with a humble spirit... but that´s certainly not the case. i fight for what i know i have to give up instead of just surrendering it.

sometimes i feel sort of alone, i´m around a ton of people everyday, but i just don´t really like them enough to call them my friends. i get sick of people so easily and i don´t know why... it´s stupid. so i start to isolate myself into my dark pit of laziness, self pity, and depression.

i guess i´ve been pretty randomly blunt... this is just what i´m struggling with right now, but i know that this too shall pass.

.. your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness...

dependent

2009-05-29T19:34:00.003-04:00

a friend spoke to me today about being one-hundred percent dependent on God.

and i realized , actually realized, that until Christ is all i have and need, i won't find happiness despite the circumstances.

so who am i dependent on?

well, obviously i'm dependent on myself.... when i fail i stay down.
when i succeed, i take the credit for myself.

i'm dependent on others... so much. if people think i'm funny, smart, unique, or even a good friend on a certain day, then i consider my day a success. (wow, i just re-read that and it sounds so shallow). but if no one pays any attention to me, i start feeling like a giant piece of poop. again, really shallow i know...

i'm dependent on financial security, if my bank account is full and my wallet is stuffed with bills, then i start to feel almost a bit invincible; if i'm broke (which is most of the time) well then i start saying hello to high stress levels.

but, even when i am not dependent on Him, He is still there and when He sees me, He doesn't see a selfish brat, He sees the righteousness of Christ in me.

CURRENTLY

2009-05-28T21:34:00.002-04:00

i wish i could be in north carolina
actually i wish i was on a road trip through north carolina and up to the north east
i am wanting these 3 months to fly by
i wonder HOW i am supposed to make it until august
i wish i had the new hillsong cd... too bad they were SO expensive last night.
i wish last night would have lasted forever, i should have gone out to the rain
i really need a new bag, i haven't bought a new bag for MONTHS, that is seriously a new record for me.
i want some almonds
i wish i was in the foggy woods somewhere
i wish i was decorating my new dorm room
i am so frustrated and i have no idea why
i miss my dad
im glad i got to spend the evening with my momma
im watching csi, and i think i might be addicted to crime shows, oh myyyy

i was just the means to you

2009-05-11T19:12:00.003-04:00

I am so sick of people in my life that just use me.

What did I do to you? Or did you just get tired of me and just use me as a means of making your ¨true friends¨. Was my friendship just a means to an end?

i just can't get this right.

2009-04-26T23:20:00.002-04:00

"my sin, not in part but the whole, was nailed to the cross and i bear it no more! praise the Lord, praise the Lord, Oh my soul."

how do i live a life that accepts that my sin is no longer mine but does not take advantage of such?

i feel like i just cannot find a balance.

i am either weighed down by wretched guilt or i am living solely for myself.

enn gee yoo

2009-04-16T13:09:00.002-04:00

this school is filled with so many ridiculous cliches.
i think i'm past the point of being bitter about it and now, i just find it disgustingly funny.

my english class is a joke.
the teacher is a joke.
ugh.
i'm not being very Christ-like, sorry.

this teacher, this class, this school spends so much time claiming that Christ makes a difference here, but there are SO many aspects where Christ has nothing to do with their policies. instead, the donors (aka the cash flow...) make these policies, based on their own antiquated beliefs and disguise them as Christian truth. ugh, UGH.

can i leave it all?

2009-04-14T20:10:00.003-04:00

i took my time in costa rica a bit for granted.
i want to be there so bad right now,
actually i want to be anywhere but here.

i wish i was sitting on the el alto bus, making my way to downtown in the middle of a hot summer downpour.
i would be sitting right next to the window to make sure i didn't miss anything through the foggy windows but hoping that no one took the seat next to me.

it's not just costa rica that i miss,
i miss the people i lived with.
maybe they didn't understand me 100%, but i at least i felt like sometimes they did... that always meant the world to me.
they believed in me, my crazy ideas and dreams, and didn't just laugh and say " oh nelly, what a unique phase you're going through.." when i shared my heart with them.

i sorta wish i could gather what little things i own and just leave this place
and start over somewhere new.
somewhere where no one knows me or will know me for a while.
maybe i will one day... im not sure yet.

hum drummm

2009-04-09T12:34:00.004-04:00

i feel blank sometimes, and i hate it.

but i am free now. i think.

i can look at you and not care so much anymore.

truthfully, i just want you out of my life.
i am ready to lose you.
but you seem to just stay put.

this semester has been rough. and i don't know how to deal with others pain. but pain is so necessary.

Lord, help me guard my heart from my own emotions. they scare me honestly. guard my thoughts and my feelings.

enable me to give to others in any way possible. take away my selfish desires, strip me of my pride. oh Lord, i want to see your face.

the righteous one will live by his faith.

currently:
i wish i was listening to some more sufjan, casimir pulaski day more specifically.

wishing it was about 9 pm, so i could be at my new house.

wishing i didn't have emotions, ugh.

typing on my worn out laptop and again realizing how much i need a mac, oh dear.

just realized how materialistic i am, especially with the whole " need a mac" -thing

imagining that i am taking a heavenly nap on my bed at home.

wishing that it was october

wishing that i didn't feel this way

hoping for a good summer

loving chocolate

trying to understand people's brain

wishing that love was enough for everyone.

wishing that i lived in the 60's

this was a really random post, it was sort of my brain spewing out a bunch of stuff.

worthy enough?

2009-03-13T21:28:00.003-04:00

why have i been on such a lull?
i have been so lazy.
only interested in myself and sleep.

time just runs away from me when i know i need to spend time with You; i continually put it off.

also, my mom told me i'm bitter
i think she's right...

i pick apart people's intentions
and feel proud that my intentions are "better".
what happened to the
"love the oppressor and not just the oppressed"?

here we go again with my pride.
golly, how the heck do you let go of your pride??
i honestly have no clue.

wait, yes i do have a clue,
it goes back to my laziness in spending time with You.
i need to work on that i think.

please, make me worthy.

truthful silence

2009-02-21T22:54:00.003-05:00

i sit and worship
but do i trust?

i guess that's not real worship is it?

sometimes, it's just easier to trust in my false comfort than to trust in You. but i do not want to be one of those that only believes in what i see.

i want more of what i need and less of what i know...

last night, some of us from URF drove up to winston-salem to see jason upton in concert. it was such a spirit-led experience where beautiful words and melodies simply flowed out from our hearts to our King. here is one of his songs that the words have helped me describe where i am right now....

in the silence

Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don't
Tired of telling you I'll follow
When I know I really won't
Cause I'd rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way
In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it's burning, burning deeply
Burning all that it is that you desire to be silent, in me
Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom's all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear your holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways

oh Lord, to you i give my future as long as it may last
to you i give my present, to you i give my past.

die to self

2009-02-10T19:28:00.002-05:00

i will trust You

this too shall pass.

thank You for being bigger than my emotions

i'm sorry for ever questioning You.

i need to refocus my heart to what You have called me:

"but to die to self is to gain on an unfathomable scale-- a daily funeral that is nothing more than the doorway to life filled with the matchless wonder of all that He is." -Louie Giglio

is this how it is suppsed to be?

2009-02-09T06:28:00.004-05:00

take my burden please.

it doesn't let me breathe,
i just need a few days to rest.

but please, do not relent, i need these trials
so maybe one day i can be worthy of You.

You know my dreams, make them Yours
You know my heart, make it Yours.

2009-02-02T22:17:00.002-05:00

oh man,
i hate feeling left out.
but then, i feel selfish for not liking being left out. is that stupid?

and yup, still dealing with control issues.
i just feel like the things that are most important to me always, always end up being screwed up.

there is nothing that i want more than to simply be content in You, what's wrong with me? I already have You, but i act as if i still needed something else...
Oh Lord, just last year, i was content in You, i had no desire of anything else except You're heart. i want to let go, please, at least for my own sanity, i need to let go. remove the obstacles, no matter the cost. i need to lay my WHOLE heart at your feet because the parts that i'm holding back are the parts that need You the most.

control

2009-01-14T19:10:00.003-05:00

i realized today that i am quite possibly a control freak.
it might be because i am so scared of instability that i feel the need to try and manipulate circumstances to what i want them to be.

giving that to God is so much easier said than done.

trying to control my circumstances is like saying, "hey God, the circumstances You allowed just are not working out, sorry...".

wow, am i really that ungrateful?

maybe His sovereignty hasn't fully sunk in.

2009-01-13T22:13:00.002-05:00

sometimes things just don't turn out the way we envision them..
i was expecting to be ok, i thought i had fixed this problem.
but oh no, here we go again.
maybe i should just lower my expectations, should i not even expect friendship?
i think i'm gonna begin seeking out other things, i want to be done.
i'm sick of being weighed down by this.
i am searching for something true.

oh please, take me somewhere.

2009-01-07T14:22:00.002-05:00

i have been thinking a lot about my traveling goals lately.
most of the things on my life to-do list are somehow related to travel.

ideally, i would like to travel alone, but that's obviously not gonna happen.

i'm so scared that i'm gonna be about to graduate from college, or worse yet, turn 30 and not have done anything on my list... cliché , i know.
i just don't want to be one of those persons that believes that the entire universe revolves around the southeastern US.
gah that's frustrating.

ok, so what i would love to do this summer....

SPAIN, oh my. one of the dudes my dad works with heads up a mission organization in Malaga, Spain. so now there is a slight chance of me going this summer, but no details have been discussed, so i just don't know if its gonna happen. but if i were to go.... that would knock two items off my list, go to spain and see the mediterranean sea :).

i'm just sick of America, i'm not like an America basher or anything, the"perfection" is just so... overrated now.

in America there is no contact, no crashing into each other anymore. everybody is speeding on the freeway with their freezing designer cars in their designer clothes with their designer children in the back seat ignored.

don't people ever get sick of everything being so perfect?

you go to suburbia and all you see is rows and rows of identical houses with perfectly manicured lawns with pretty little families living inside.

all this perfection would be wonderful, if it was true on the inside also.

i mean this recession that our country is going into is caused by ugly greed. people always wanting the best, always wanting to show up someone else.
maybe a recession is what we need, we need our possesions to be stripped away in order to seek and find the One who brings true happiness.

other countries are not perfect either, but at least they accept it for what it is. they live day to day, not having a car or a macbook or even an iphone (can you believe that! haha).... just trying to make ends meet so they can put food on their table.
they walk, ride buses, ride trains to work, jammed packed with other people, they value family,friendship, and food higher than anything else.

i want to travel elsewhere because i never get tired of seeing the beautiful imperfection of other countries and because i am sick of the disgusting perfection of America.

( i sort of got off on a tangent, sorry haha)

currently

2009-01-07T01:50:00.002-05:00

... not able to sleep, as usual.

currently wishing i could be:
able to read twenty books that are piling up
in target, browsing among the beautiful bags
all knowing to what my summer plans will be
rich, so i could buy a better camera :)
selfless
in my dorm room decorating
making snickerdoodles
more sociable
sleeping for about a month straight
inspired
at h & m
driving somewhere.

2008-12-08T18:28:00.002-05:00

you know that knot in your stomach and that lock in your jaw that appear when you know something is wrong? kind of like when you know that things just won't be the same, when tiny things brighten up your day, but even smaller things make it go down the drain. you feel the frustration drowning your insides but all you can do is smile .

yea... i'm there.
things will be better next time.

2008-11-28T22:29:00.002-05:00

Have you ever experienced a beautiful moment?
A moment where beauty suddenly makes sense,
yet you still cannot explain it

Everything else becomes a blur
It does not matter what you have been through,
or what kind of cards life has dealt you
It's all been worth it

A beauty that inspires and encourages,
That calms and sets you free

kind of

2008-11-27T00:43:00.002-05:00

whine time

2008-11-27T00:31:00.003-05:00

oh geez, sometimes i just get sick of things.
i love being home, but then i feel so different right now.

i really do not want to get up early tomorrow.
i think that's selfish, but oh so true.
i just don't wanna have any interaction with the world for a few days.

then there is this whole patience deal.
g-g-g-golly. impatience sucks.

out-of-control is what life is right now.
stability is what i yearn for.

i think i need to get my heart in the right place,
but that would entail a few less hours of sleep for me tonight.
9am is way too early for me.

im gonna be sick again. ugh...

2008-11-20T01:49:00.002-05:00

The past month has been very difficult.

Too many things are setting in, and I'm just not sure how to handle them all.

I feel as if I have distanced myself from the source of Living Water and become lukewarm and distasteful to my Lord. Is He my all? My main love?

There are too many other things that cry out for my attention. Things that are dull in comparison to what He has done, who He is. Yet, they still take priority.

Why can't I make time? Why can't I just behold? Why can't I be satisfied with simply being His beloved?

I am hungry and thirsty for Him, but I'm not really doing anything about it.

I tell myself that I am too tired, more interested in something or someone else, blah, blah, blah.

I'm stumped really.

This verse has seemed to be my encourager these past few weeks, maybe it will help me on another sleepless night.

Psalm 71: 20-21
"Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again."

I guess there is hope :)

Fifty Tops...

2008-10-16T01:42:00.001-04:00

These are a few of my favourite things... or stuff that just makes me plumb happy and smile :)

1. being in the presence of my Lord
2. laughing
3. genuine smiles
4. "beautiful" movies
5. rhythm
6. the colour yellow
7. oil pastels on dark paper
8. talking with my hands
9. stars so bright and clear
10. my costa rican family (gap)
11. soul cleansing aka- crying
12. true worship
13. dancing in His presence
14. tiny details
15. sleeping goggles
16. sleeping
17. naps
18. having a soft blanket for a nap
19. observing nature and forgetting anything else exists
20. my momma's yellow rice
21. daddy's yum breakfasts
22. being the navigator on road trips
23. driving
24. driving with great music on
25. driving at night on a windy, country road
26. the sunrise...if I'm up
27. playa blanca at Punta Leona
28. Periferica
29. Arroz con pollo
30. Angie Smith's blog :)
31. dance parties
32. crazy nasty good music !!
33. my journal
34. COFFEE
35. flat out relaxing at a coffee house, or anywhere really
36. pictures
37. editing pictures for hours
38. flowers, i LOVE flowers.
39. sharpies
40. drawing on myself
41. Romans 10:15
42. chocolate chips
43. sunshine
45. high contrast photos
46. getting my new teen vogue every month
47. foggy mornings
48. true love.
49. kids :)
50. you

college

2008-10-15T00:22:00.002-04:00

Life is new, kinda scary.
It's not as bad as I thought it would be though.
College has both exceeded and not reached my expectations.

I honestly did not expect to enjoy myself the first few months, I thought it was going to be a long, lonely journey for a while and that I would have to "pay my dues" as a freshman.
Praise God it hasn't been like that, I have friends, godly friends :)

I know that sounds dumb, but well, I really did not expect to have more than a few acquaintances here and there.
Instead, God has blessed me with a few good friends that have a passion to serve Him also.

He has also blessed me with a church. I was pretty terrified at the thought that I had to go "church hunting", I've never done that before! I have always been appointed a church to go to; and well come on, finding a church like FBCW?, now that's a challenge! Nonetheless, the first Sunday I was out scouting out churches, I found Upper Room Fellowship. It is a house church or an organic church, and I already feel as if I had a second family here in South Carolina :). They are all very genuine people, also trying to figure out what God's will is for their life, and every Sunday ( and every time I see them around campus) I am encouraged by them.

I am simply amazed at how much God has worked here.
Even in the way I decided on NGU, my major, my advisor, my roommate. Every thing has been of God!

Now for the classes, oh no.
That is the part that has not really lived up to what I expected.
I'm not saying they do not meet a certain academic standard, they're just... boring. Very, very boring. They are all GenED classes, so I suppose it is expected, but I just cannot wait until may day is filled with wonderful design, art, and theology classes! For right now, I guess I'll settle for the regular math and english.... ughh.

trusting an unknown future to an all-knowing God.

2008-07-14T00:20:00.003-04:00

I feel like a huge load has been lifted off of me this past week. I finally figured out what I am going to be doing next year...

I will be going to North Greenville University in Tigerville, SC, and I must say, I am quite excited about it! Partly because yeah, it's a good school (hopefully haha), but mainly because I feel like this is the first step towards what God is leading me to. These past six months, I have been worried sick about what I am supposed to do in this beautiful world. I can't stand not knowing!! I'm just so impatient, I want to know His plans for me now. At those times that I have gotten ahead of myself ( and God) and wondered why He just doesn't reveal it all to me, He comes to me, in that beautiful still, small voice, whispering among my cries of impatience, to try to stop looking towards the future and all the plans that I might have and simply spend time with Him.

Saying that is easy, doing it is hard, very very hard for me. I know the desires of my heart! They are at a point now where I cannot deny the passions He has placed in there; but most if the time, I get caught up in this fleeting, stupid life.

I get caught up in the fact that I don't want to see certain people, for fear that it will be awkward. Caught up in thinking that I'll look stupid if I don't have someone to hang out with like I did 24/7 before I left. Caught up in not putting my family as one of the top priorities. Caught up in gossip ( yeah I'm not proud of it ). Caught up in my ridiculous laziness; and as I see all these things and more in my life, I realize time and time again what things are truly important.

I tell people that I am searching for God's will, and well, I am; but how is He supposed to share this information with me if I don't even have a fully developed relationship with Him?

I think it all boils down to spending time in the Word, time where the Creator of the universe is speaking to me. I don't allow Him to do that enough. When I do decide to get in the Word, I'm scared that sometimes it is motivated out of sheer guilt, because I haven't done it in a week or so.

My mind is kinda going around in circles thinking about all of this now, and I can't figure it anymore. What do I do? I want to have the right motivations, but how will ever know if I truly do?
I know I have the right motivations for serving Him, His calling in my life couldn't be more evident, to me at least; but I want to have the right motivations in spending time with Him, in loving Him with all my heart.

On a different note, please pray for me as I start to get ready for college and start off this adventure in the sorta real world :)

Pray that everything that needs to come together will, that God would provide certain things that He knows we need, and most importantly, that He would prepare me for what is to come. While I am at college, pray that the convictions He has already placed in my heart would hold steadfast, and those not yet decided, well that He would reveal them to me in due time. Pray for some upcoming decisions, my major for example ( I'll elaborate a bit on this, sorry), I could really major in tons of things and be pretty happy, and I wish I could just choose them all, but I have boiled it down to missions and photography/photo-journalism; I'm just not sure which as the major and which as the minor. Yes, I feel called to be a missionary, but I'm not really sure if I am called to be one of your conventional overseas, approved by some missions board missionary. I definitely want to spend a considerable amount of time in a foreign country, but I'm not sure if I'm called to do that for a lifetime. All I know is that I have a burning passion for people, and that I would really enjoy the missions classes for some reason :). Then there's photography, one of my joys amongst my many interests. I met a girl a few months ago that got her degree in photo-journalism, and she kinda planted the idea in my head of using that career as a tool for Him. I'm not exactly sure how; but I know that He did not make a mistake in creating me with the eccentricities and passions that He did. I believe He gave me certain talents for a reason, and I really don't want to waste them.

Oh my, as you can tell, I am still a bit confused, less confused than I was a week ago when I had no clue what school I was going to, but nonetheless confused. Clarity from Him will come in time, as long as I stick close to where He is walking and working.

goodnight.

empty house.

2008-06-30T18:15:00.002-04:00

I think I prefer a dirty and full house over a lonely and clean one.
Everyone's gone, except for me, and it's quite depressing.

Nadine left this morning, and saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things of done in a while. I hate the fact that she has to live so far away. I hate the fact that I probably won't see her until Christmas.

My heart really hurts right now, I just miss all my sisters so much. I honestly never thought I would find such a wonderful group of girls that I would get so close to; but God has blessed me so much this year with a second family. Beautiful friends that know me so well, and they still love me.

I found this Rosie Thomas song that I absolutely LOVED what it said:

You and Me

You and me, me and you
There’s so much that we’ve been through,
through it all I’ve come to understand Gods love.
And if tomorrow never comes
know this twice, just know this once.
Knowing you has made me able to go on.

You and me, me and you
There couldn’t be a better two, (or fifteen :))
to be blessed and know the meaning of true love.
And if you leave me I feel scared,
fall apart so unprepared.
But I dare to make it trough all on my own.
Yes I dare to make it trough on my own.

The Great Things of Costa Rica

2008-06-19T15:44:00.002-04:00

It's been a difficult 24 hours. The fact that I am leaving, is just now sinking in, and it's hard. I stayed up last night just letting the tears come, until my head started pounding; then I remembered I had to wake up early. Ughhhh.

I'm not really sure why it's hitting me so hard, actually most everything has been hitting me pretty roughly lately. My roommate left this morning, and while I knew it was coming all year, it still was pretty hard to deal with. She and I have gotten so close this year, honestly she is the person I have gotten the closest to; and while I'm gonna see her in two weeks, the fact that this "life" that we have here in Costa Rica is over just seems unreal and unfair.

Yes I am so ready to go home; but the fact that our lives won't completely involve each other any more is weird and pretty depressing. We made bonds closer than any high school or college can offer, we are family. To me this is exceptionally amazing because I don't have any siblings, I've never known the bond between brothers and sisters. Yes, it was a bit hard at first; having to share my space, my life with fifteen other people, but God has blessed us so much with a sense if unity.

We have seen tragedy, felt pain, celebrated every single birthday, acted wild, grown in Christ, been treated unfairly, dealt with problems, watched countless movies, broken the rules, eaten just because, cooked together, cried endlessly, worshiped our Lord, rejoiced in His blessings, and too many more wonderful things to describe.

However much it hurts to leave, I have to accept that this will not be the best year of my life, and I hope I don't allow it to be. If this the pinnacle of my relationship with God, than I am doomed. It hurts, it's sad, yes, but I know He has my future in His hands, I know He is still writing my story, and this is just the beginning. I am excited.

Praise God for His blessings! Praise my Counselor for comforting me in these changing times!

bethany's birthday weekend :)

2008-06-17T04:11:00.004-04:00

I just wanted to post a few pictures of tonight; first off, Claire made an amazing chicken n dumplings dinner, complete with green beans (which i made!) and scrumptious biscuits. Oh, and awesome cake too!
After the dining session, we all packed into taxis and went to go rollerskating, which was SO MUCH FUN!

my bf/sister and i :)

M.A.P.S.

at the rink

B's yum cake

my "family"

yes, we are attacking b.

Sad Day Today....

2008-06-15T17:09:00.001-04:00

my dadd & me
Originally uploaded by nayelicanada

Wow, I'm sitting on the floor,
crying,
missing my daddy SOOOOOOOOOOOO much.

I wish I was there so I could bug him while I played with his hair or messed with his ears, or gave him a kiss on his scruffy beard.

I know some of you don't know my dad ( or me :)) but I just want to tell you a little bit about him, and how wonderful he is :).

First of all, let me say, he has made mistakes, heartbreakingly painful ones. While my momma and I have suffered, he has suffered even more for them. However, in spite of all this, his integrity, faith, and strength has changed my life in it's own unique way. He has fought to make things right, he has stepped up and owned up to his mistakes, even suffered humiliation for them.

Praise the Lord!!, God has renewed him :)
He is a new man now, a strong man!
He guides and corrects me when I am wrong.
He supports me when I'm right.
He tells the cheesiest jokes and then laughs at them.
He loves to sing, loudly :)
He thinks he can dance, haha.
I don't tell him this, but HIS opinion is the most important to me.
I love talking about life with him, he has good things to say.
He has the best stories, even if I've heard them all 100 times.
He loves God SO much!
He's in love with my momma :)
He drives fast an fun, hehe.
He loves Mexico.
He has the BIGGEST heart for people.

I am beaming with pride today, I can say that I know one of the godliest men and he just so happens to be my very own daddy.

You Know You're Mexican If....

2008-06-10T02:00:00.003-04:00

haha most of these are true for me and quite funny :)

You have ever been hit by a chancla.
You grew up scared by something called "El Cucuy."
Others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking.
You light a candle on the night of the Lotto drawing.
You use your lips to point something out.
You constantly refer to cereal as "con fleis".
Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner even if it's a one bedroom apartment.
You can dance ranchera, cumbia or salsa without music.
You use "manteca" (lard) instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger.
You call your sneakers "tenees".
You have at least thirty cousins.
You can't imagine anyone not liking spicy food.
You are in a 5-passenger car with 7 people in it and a person shouting "subanse, todavia caben".
Whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some "Vics" vapor rub all over your chest and inside your nostrils.
Your mom packs your "lonchera" everyday.
You or someone you know uses "Tres Flores" in their hair.
Tamales, champurrado, posole and menudo are must haves on Thanksgiving.
There is more dos equis than punch at little Juanito's birthday party.
There is at least one member in your family name Maria, Guadalupe, Juan, Jose, or Jesus.
Everyone still thinks Cesar Chavez is the best boxer even if he lost against Oscar De La Hoya.
You've gone to the Pulgamarket every weekend for years.
You step into a house that has all those little figurines taking up every inch of space on/under the TV.
You have a porcelain cat, dog, Buddha, or elephant in your living room.
You have plastic slipcovers on your sofas.
You swear "Choco Mil" is the same as Slim Fast and try to lose weight by drinking it.
You have a drunk uncle/aunt.
You're still afraid to open that umbrella in your house.
You not only know who Don Francisco from Sabado Gigante is, but you tell people he's your tio.
Your mother, tia or hermana's hair is blackcherry, "Sun in" red or a burgundy that would make Celia Cruz jealous.
You always try to find out what town another fellow Latino's family is from.
You have ever had to "beepiar" a friend on their pager.
You wear your Sunday best to do laundry at the laundrymat and go grocery shopping.
You have told your kid not to walk the floor barefoot or they'll catch a cold.
You go to a wedding or Quiencienera, gossip about how bad the comida is, but be the first to take a plato to go.
You have a bottle of Tapatio in your purse.
Your cousins are delinquents / hootchies.
You have a chola in your barrio named "La Flaca" who's bigger than a house.
You think Cristina trumps Oprah any day.
You have a cousin named "Guero" who's darker than night.
You know a chola named "La Shy Girl" who is loud and obnoxious.
You need to point out how much something you just bought cost.
You go to a white friends house for dinner and don't understand the concept of sitting at a table.
You've tried to bring a mango back to the US from Mexico, and a bonus point if you actually made it all the way home with it.
You drive a "Cheby", an "Ohsmobeel" or a "Bolswahgon"
You're proud to be Mexican - and you pass these jokes on to all your Mexican friends!

Psalm 60:1-5

2008-06-08T01:36:00.002-04:00

1 O God, you have rejected us, broken our defenses;
you have been angry; oh, restore us.
2You have made the land to quake; you have torn it open;
repair its breaches, for it totters.
3 You have made your people see hard things;
you have given us wine to drink that made us stagger.

4You have set up a banner for those who fear you,
that they may flee to it from the bow.
Selah

5 That your beloved ones may be delivered,
give salvation by your right hand and answer us!

For some time my heart has been honestly troubled, hearing and seeing all these tragic events that are happening around us. Literally, thousands of people dying at once because of freak natural disasters, earthquakes, tornadoes, floods; I see so many desperate people around us, there were around 1,000 people here in Costa Rica that lost everything because of a tropical storm that came through a few weeks ago, I hear of people losing family members and lives in Myanmar and all of this honestly scares me.
This verse speaks to me in that I believe that God is allowing this to happen. I think He is hurting because we are hurting, but maybe all of this is necessary. I think that this is an opportunity for us, those who fear Him, to raise up a banner in His name for people to seek refuge under.
All of these tragic things that are happening around the world make me realize that there is nothing that I can do to change their physical circumstances.
I was in the Dominican Republic a few months ago with my parents on a missions trip, and we had the opportunity to visit an orphanage that housed children that suffered from severe handicaps.
Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I saw there, I cannot even write it down and describe it because I think the only way one can understand the magnitude of what we saw that day is by actually seeing it for yourself. I literally felt my heart breaking every single time I saw one of those little angel's faces smiling up at me. The majority of them didn't understand their situation, and sincerely I didn't fully did either. Being there made me angry. I'm not sure at who, me or God. I felt completely sick to my stomach, after a certain point I just couldn't stand to be there anymore, my heart could not take it anymore.
I ran outside and sat on the curb with my mommy and simply sobbed. In those moments, I think it is simply human to question, and I did. Everything that I had seen made me feel powerless. I realized that there was nothing I could do for those precious babies, nothing; and that just made me even more mad. Why didn't He do something?! Why were those angels even brought here to suffer in the first place?!
I struggled with those thoughts a long time ( I still do a bit), but that night in our devotionals my daddy said something that impacted me. He said that he too had felt completely powerless for these children, but it just made him realize that there were lots of people out there that he could do something for. Share the Gospel.
In these trying times, God has allowed us to bear His banners, hold them up high for all to see. I may not be able to understand the why of pain, but I am called to be a bearer of His glory for everyone else to see.

Talent Show Success!

2008-06-07T00:05:00.002-04:00

GAP hosted the last showing of our talent show tonight, and it was AMAZING :) we raised almost $500 to help a community here called Los Guidos.
Los Guidos is one of the poorest areas here in San Jose that is made up mainly of Nicaraguan illegals. The poorest area in this community is a section called "el hueco" or the hole, which is literally a small canyon on the side of the main road that goes down deep to where there is a small, filthy creek. Most of the houses are made of tin, have only dirt floors, and are in extreme poverty conditions. The people that live in this area live off of very minimum wages ($5 a week or less) so that they barely have enough to feed their families.
A few months ago I worked with a group of doctors from Alabama that held a medical clinic there, and I was so shocked to meet a lady that was diabetic and her blood sugar was over 400 (can you say coma!!?)! The doctor asked her if she was taking any medicine and when was the last time she had gotten her blood sugar checked, she said to our surprise that the last time she had medicine was over a year ago when the last medical team came through! Her babies were malnourished, had parasites, the flu, and probably hadn't had a bath in a month; it absolutely broke my heart.
What got me even more was seeing an extremely skinny 16 year old girl
(she was anorexic and bulimic) come in crying because she thought she was pregnant and asked for a pregnancy test. She was so scared to think of the consequences, to think that most likely the baby's daddy wasn't going to be there to help support it. While her physical conditions were bad, her spiritual condition was even worse. This whole place is filled with desperation, addictions, abuse on precious children that know nothing else, alcoholism, poverty, conformity, all these terrible things are only able to be cured by Christ.
So I am very thankful, that maybe we will be able to make somewhat of an impact here, we are not looking for recognition in all this, we simply recognize that there is need and we are desperate to meet it. Praise God and Shame on the Devil!! We got so much more than what we expected.
However, that wasn't the only blessing :)
we got to spend some amazing, quality family time together. I can say that while practicing and organizing this thing we made some pretty darn good memories (pre-show dance parties anyone??). It's amazing to see how after nine months of getting to know each other, we can all make jokes that will make us have a roll-on-the-floor-crying laughter, that no one else would really find funny. God has blessed us so much with unity :)
It's been a good night, Praise God!!

Looking unto Jesus

2008-06-02T00:45:00.003-04:00

I have a heavy heart right now. Days like these, make me feel vulnerable;
I hate when others feels pain, it makes me want to reach out and just wipe it all away. I used to lay in bed and beg God to just wipe my memory clean over night and when I woke up, I would remember nothing, I would not know the pain I was living through. I know this may sound dumb, but I truly want to cure the world's pain. I can't bear to see someone hurting. Possibly it's because I still bear wounds from my past that haunt me, and I think that I make myself believe that by helping others "cure" their pain, my scars will be erased too.

My friend, my sister is hurting tonight, and I wish I could be there to hug her and share her pain, go before our Counselor and plead for peace together, maybe even pray that this is all terrible dream, that maybe tomorrow her daddy will drive up and crack another silly joke.

Yet in each new painful situation, I force myself to surface from the desire to be idealistic, and simply face it. I cry, I worry, I plead for safety, I cry more and more, I get angry, I yell into my pillow, I repent, I cry again, and just when I think I'm about to flood my pillow with all my salty tears, He unexpectedly brings peace, a peace that surpasses my understanding. In that moment, when I finally decide to surface from questioning Him and where He is at in all this, I find myself engulfed by His presence knowing He was there all along.

This evening, after we found out about the death of Jorge, we had to go on with our scheduled service in which Aby's friend, which is here from Argentina and worked alongside Jorge, was going to give the message. It was very difficult to talk because Jorge was a dear friend of his, but he simply told us to open up to Hebrews 12:2-3 which says,
"Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him that such contradiction of sinners against Himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds."

This verse reminded me that no matter the circumstances, I must keep my focus on what He has called me to. I think the devil has found the area to be an obstacle in, distract me. Ariel talked tonight with tears in his eyes about finishing what He has called to us to do. I covet your prayers, I beg for them; pray that the devil won't get that stronghold in me. I have a calling, a vision, a burning passion that He has placed in me that I cannot let go of.

Please pray for the Daut family

2008-06-01T21:09:00.002-04:00

I ask you to please be in prayer right now for my one of my dear friend's family, Raquel Daut. Her Father was the Director of Ministries in World of Life Argentina, his name was Jorge Daut. He was in a car accident today and passed away, I don't know the details of what happened, but what I do know is that He was an incredible man of God, filled with personality and His joy. Pray for understanding and peace for the Daut's and the WOL community right now, as they are all in shock to have lost a friend, brother, and one of their leaders. I know Jorge is in Heaven right now, and is at peace for having lived a life that was pleasing to Him.
Goodnight,
Proverbs 3:5-6

Being a teacher :)

2008-05-29T01:41:00.004-04:00

cool kid mainor
andres
with some of my girls :)
my little friend estefani

___________________________________________________
The past four weeks, us GAP kids have gotten the opportunity to go and teach Bible classes in a local school. For most of them it's to practice their Spanish, but well I just do it because I want to. We were split up into pairs and I got paired off with David ( crazy crazy kid from Alabama haha) to teach a class of beautiful first graders. We decided to start teaching on the fruits of the spirit, since it would be simple concepts for the little ones.
I cannot express how much of a blessing it has been to teach them, and not to mention a blast :) Many weeks these kids will come up to us at lunch time and want to share their lunches with us, and well honestly I just melt whenever they tell me they brought an extra bag of mango slices for me, or when they give me half their sandwich, it's just so amazing to see how kind these little kids are!
Today, we were told that we had to test them on all we've taught them, so we spent the previous week reviewing with them extensively, I made them a worksheet with all the words they had to know. So we get to class today, and I ask some of the kiddos standing outside if they studied; more and more as I asked, I realized that none of them had studied and they were most likely gonna bomb it. Hence my decision to cut off half of the questions ( there were only six anyways). I tell them they have to write three of the fruits we studied and their name; what I didn't realize is that it took most of the half the class period , just to write their names, and later I started seeing little arms going up to tell me that they didn't know the letters they were supposed to use. At this point I felt kind of dumb, because I don't really remember how much I knew when I was in first grade, so I assumes that they would know spelling haha :) The teacher then pulled me aside and told me that I should write down the answers on the board for them so that they would know how to spell it, haha. I felt quite defeated at my grand attempt as a teacher at this point, so I walked up and wrote the answers for them, but I thought that maybe, just maybe they would know how to write one word: Dios (God). So I decided to put a little star at the end of the test and told them to write down from who all these fruits came from, I had to explain that they had to actually write it down and not shout it out as they were presently doing. Their heads all bent over and started concentrating on the extensive test, however this concentration that made me feel like a true teacher soon vanished; again, little arms started flying up asking me how to spell God, so I decided I would just the letters instead of writing them, ya know try to challenge them a bit more. So I said. "It's spelled D-I-O-S, ok?" "Ok! yeah we got it!!" they all replied.
I pick up the test and start seeing that some only got half-way through their name, others mixed in their name with random bits and pieces of the words I had written, others had odd spellings and letters I never even said for spelling GOD ( ie: eios, dsio, diso,fizo, kioz)m but all of them, without exception had a star drawn on there as part of the "instructions" I had given them. Without a doubt, they were the prettiest stars I've ever seen.
All in all, this has been quite an experience for me.

there's no place like home... (repeat 3x)

2008-05-28T01:41:00.002-04:00

I have thirty-four days left :)
I love Costa Rica, but I can't wait to go home.
Here's some things that I miss SO much about home:

*the food- I've kinda really gotten sick of the food here, haha. It all has the same kinda spices and flavor to it, even if it's "American" food. I long for some real USA quality sour cream, natilla (the equivalent of sour cream) just doesn't compare to the fresh taste of sour cream :) and ohhh man, I could really go for some good old mexican food, whether it be my momma's yummy rice or Monterrey's AMAZING cheese dip and chicken. I could also go for a chicken biscuit... or three.
*driving- oh man, when you haven't driven a car in ten months, you start getting antsy! I cannot wait to get on 575 and just drive fast all the way to Jasper :), especially since I tend to speed. I will miss riding buses around town, I've gotta admit, public transportation is quite an experience and relaxing at times.
*quick trip- ummm, great coffee, great drink station, yum taquitos, and well they're everwhere.
* church- I will most likely sob my way through my entire first service at home. I miss the worship so much, but mainly the preaching!!!!! I cannot wait until PJ is getting all fired up right in the middle of the service, bringing mighty conviction to the entire congregation, bringing God's Mighty Word. Wow! I get chill bumps just thinking about it :)
And then there's Spanish Church :) the people there definitely have my heart, fellowship is wonderful there.
*my super comfy bed- let me just say, the bed I sleep on here has a super thin mattress and metal bars going across it on its base.... not very comfortable haha. My bed at home is H-E-A-V-E-N-L-Y :).
* church on the street- This ministry has my heart and it is where I decided to dedicate my life to serving Him.
*momma and pappa- I was kinda desperate to get out of the house at first, now I miss my parents so, so , sooooooo much. There's nothing like having Mami's Mexican chicken soup when i get sick, getting home after a long, long day at work and my momma giving me a back rub even though I reeked of Moe's chip oil, going to dinner and movie with my Pappa, or having the best conversation's with my dad on roadtrips while I'm the map guide, and my mom sleeps the entire way there :)
* good music- Yes, we have ipods and internet here, but that simply does not compare to going to see good live music somewhere, (even though I have snuck out and gone to a concert or two here haha).
* target- I am under the impression that Target is one of the greatest stores of all time, seriously. I long to simply wander the aisles of this wonderful retailer instead of browsing it's innumerable and frustrating web pages.

Well, those are probably my most missed things. I can't really think of anymore right now, because its kinda late, but trust me there are tons more. However, there are also many, many things that I will miss painfully about Costa Rica, but I think I'll leave that for another day.
Goodnight and I hope you have peaceful dreams.

My moments of selfish brattiness

2008-05-26T20:20:00.004-04:00

I hate to admit this, but I am questioning. I am mad. Things aren't working out the way I planned them. My Christian "brain" that I've carried around since I was born ( the one that always is ready to pipe in the Christian way to do things) is telling me, screaming at me, "This is God's plan!", but you know what I truly feel that is... blah blah blah! I know not very Christian-like huh? I tend to be like that quite often lately.
I am spiritually lacking, I know I am, but I don't really feel propelled to change. Instead I think I think I'll just sit here and whine for a bit.
I'm not getting what I want ( kinda like a little spoiled brat), not from my parents, not from those around me, heck, not from God. I very well know that the right thing to do is to accept these circumstances that are, well pissing me off, and trust Him, because He is the all-knowing God. But I can't do that yet.
OK, its time for the whining to stop.
I re-read everything I've written, and i disgust myself. Selfish and lazy is what I am, and I think I might know the root of this all, but I am too prideful to change it.
What is wrong with me?!!!
I honestly get sick of being the good, faithful Christian. I have to allow myself these moments of doubt, I have to write it down so I can see what a brat I am, to see what I can change.
God, I know You are faithful to us, I know You have it under control, but help me to not just know, but believe. You know I'm scared that things aren't gonna work out. I am deathly afraid of it all going down the drain again. I am deathly afraid of not knowing... not having what everyone else has. I'm sorry. Just help me remember that Your grace is enough for me. Not what I have.
All that I can Say - David Crowder Band
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now, i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

Abba

2008-05-25T01:30:00.002-04:00

This is a song by Jason Morant, it's AMAZING :).
When I first heard it.... it served as a reminder from where He has brought me, and to where He will take me one day.

Abba

Where am I now this desert so familiar
This loneliness has scarred me before
Is this where You're found or is this where You have brought me
Your voice no longer can I ignore

My heart lies in pieces
Please pick me up and put me back together again
Like only You can

Abba Abba
You're like water to this soul
Abba I need You
Cause I've got no where else to go

Is that You there whispering so softly
And calming all the madness inside
All I have I bare and it still amounts to nothing
But You're telling me it's ok to cry

Now I now lie in pieces
But this brokenness is all You ever wanted from me
So You can take control

In Your sanctuary's where I long to be
For this desperate heart has found no better place
Than to be found in You
Than to be found in You

goodnight :)

peace

this is me...

2008-05-16T20:00:00.001-04:00

Hi!
I'm Nayeli, or people usually call me Nelly... it's easier haha.
I am eighteen and I have been living in Costa Rica for the past eight months. I have two months to go until I go back home.

I guess I though I'd use this first blog to just describe a bit of myself...
I am a missionary's daughter, I was born and raised in Mexico, so I speak English and Spanish quite fluently. I am a passionate follower of Christ. A lot of MK's and PK's usually don't want to follow in there parents' footsteps, but I am an exception to that, due to what God has done in me. I'll probably explain more of my decision to follow Him later on. I will be attending (hopefully) Liberty University in the fall, it's still kinda up in the air, but I'm trusting that it will work out.

This past year I have been kind of an intern of some sorts here with a ministry called SCORE international. I truly believe that God called me here, and He has changed me incredibly the past eight months! I work primarily with short-term mission groups that come down from the States. Usually it's sport teams or high schools that some down for a week-long mission trip, and most of the time I am their translator (or babysitter in some cases haha). Also I am in a subprogram of SCORE called GAP year where I take Bible theology classes and help others with learning Spanish.

I am a very friendly person, I usually get along with most everybody. I am very artsy, I love photography and design and I plan to pursue a career in that mixed in with missions of some sort ( not really sure yet... but I know it'll work out ).
Well, I cant really think of anything else to describe me, I'll probably think of something later...oh well
Peace :)